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ph34r my lousy post.
i'm back after one month of intensive examinations. one whole month of studying for 6 modules. can you imagine what the copious amount of word-reading and formula-memorizing is doing to my sanity? and worse of all, even with all that work spent on studying, i will still get bad grades. (...ok, so i lied. i only studied assiduously for half the month. the other half was spent moping over the eventual lousy results that i'll be getting.)
here's a list of things that i learnt in this short 1st sem:
1. the more you study, the stupider you'll get.
2. the more you study, the more depressed you'll get.
3. no matter how much effort you put in, there is no way you're gonna win the other "foreign talents" *cough*lousy chinamen*cough* in terms of grades.
i'm not sure if i mentioned it before but this is my first time feeling so helpless and demoralized over my academics. this is my first time feeling utterly void of confidence over something. never in my 19-close-to-20 years of existence had i felt such helplessness over something as trivial as my studies. it's like trying to reach for the stars with your feet firmly planted 6 feet below ground. all you can do is stare out into the vast open skies and weep.
thinking back, i have to say i'm very blessed. i've never truly tasted the bitter fruit known as defeat. so far, i've always been able to get what i wanted quite easily. don't get me wrong, i say 'quite easily' because i'm not able to recall how i actually did it way back then. i've never put 100% into anything that i do and i got by just fine. even in sec sch or poly, i don't think i worked very hard (during exams) at all. some reading through of textbook or lecture notes, a few revisions of examples and tutorials and i'm done. (it's a bad habit but... *shrugs*) this is my first time putting in actual effort in studying for exams and i hate it.
i've really tried to work hard this time round coz the others will be working 3-5 times harder (plus, they revise regularly throughout the course of the semester) but somehow it will never be enough. the moment the exam started, no matter how much effort i put in, i would still get a lousy grade in the end. kinda made me wanna just give up and flunk it spectacularly with a big round zero since i'm gonna fail anyways. but no, the all-important "face" wouldn't allow it. towards the end of my papers, the feeling of ditching my studies is increasing exponentially and all i could think of is what i'm gonna do after all the exams end.
and yes, finally, my exams are over and i've been out for 2 days straight. i'm not that big a shopper girl but i've been abstained from shopping from the start of the sem that i actually started craving for a good shopping spree. (i went shopping for clothes and ended up blowing slightly over a hundred on comics. i swear, the designs and cutting nowadays cater to small skinny girls and not big broad ones like me. -.-)
look what university is doing to me. i'm turning into a girly girl who cares about hair, nails, shoes and clothes. /faints.
P.S. Happy birthday to dear stephy and ah lam lam. may you be as pretty and happy as you can ever be. hope your special day has been especially special!!!
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