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a casual topic popped up during one of my many msn chats with a friend.
him: why do you say people don't remember you?
me: because i'm forgettable. i don't tend to leave lasting impressions on other people.
and he tells me that our sweet stephy suffers from the same problem. not getting acknowledged by people around her.
*interesting note 1* her scrolling info bar reads "what can i do to get your attention" and my scrolling title bar reads "don't leave me". he said together we could make a complete statement.
back to our main subject. while sitting in a funeral wake with only boredom as company, my mind wandered and asked me a question. would i be remembered after i died? who would remember me? why would they remember me? what would they remember me as? would i even have people coming to my funeral at all?
my answer: probably not much. they wouldn't know if i'd died anyways.
i know this is silly stuff to ask but, really, give it some thought. it might be depressing and all but it's kinda like a reality check. and if you managed to answer 'yes' to the first question and could even name some people that would remember you, well, you better hold onto them tight.
*interesting note 2* just so you know, i might forget your name but i'll never forget your face and what you'd left me with. all you people whom i've played with, argued with, studied with, all you people who had left lil footprints in my heart. and to the abovementioned 'he', thx for remembering me.
/hugzzz!!!
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"i seemed to have lacked to give two important things when i was giving birth to you two. A heart and a conscience."
those were her first words the moment she entered the room. without so much as a pause, she launched into another moral education lesson. "do you even know what day it is today?" she had asked. he instinctively answered mother's day so matter-of-factly that the whiplash was making my head spin. but quickly catching on his drift, i stretched open both arms and called for her to enter my embrace for my mother's day present.
she didn't even give me a backward glance as she continued to lecture us.
she went on to rant about how we are unfilial. that just yesterday, when she fell from a chair, we didn't even bother to go take a look and offer our concern for her. that it'll take god knows how long before we would find her dead if she ever do die. that we used to give her flowers or cards when we were younger. that i am my father's child alone, not hers.
the two of us sat in silence as she continued on her quest to find fault with everyone. he had his earphones on, most likely on maximum while i had to brave the elements earphone-less.
i know it is the female hormones raging in her but it still kinda hurts to hear it from her. how we didn't care about her and how we are only interested in everything else but her. it might have been the lack of tender loving care during my childhood years that i didn't learn how to express concern for anyone. not even after moving from ignorant child to desolated youth. i've never had enough experience with sadness and dejection to offer any sort of comfort to anyone.
logically, i would just ignore the whole incident and go on with life but it might be the last few years that we are actually on good terms that is making me feel bad. it's making me feel like i should've told her we do care but we don't know how to show it to her. we are behaving aren't we? we aren't running off in the middle of the night and coming home reeking of alcohol and vomit are we? the simple things that we try to do but she might never take those as actual events of us trying to live up to her high expectations. her example of good kids would only exist in the fiction world.
/end rant. [code:mamasday05]
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i've always had this theory about the two horoscopes--scorpio and sagittarius. my thesis is: scorpio people and sagittarius people don't mix. it started a few years back and i think it is safe to say that too.
i'm a sagittarius, in case anyone of you are wondering. i've always had this profound unexplained hatred towards people born under the scorpio influence and i didn't even know it until a few years ago. it seems like scorpios have the unique talent of pissing the hell out of sagittariuses just by being around them. then again, it could be just me.
there are some people that i've met that i'd taken an instant disliking to. it could be their behavior, their mannerism or even their body language, but i just seem to dislike them. don't get me wrong, i am not the type to cement my opinion on anyone based on first impressions. i did try to get to know them a little bit more but the conclusion remains (in some cases, they even multiply). through some nosing and poking around, i found out that most of those people are scorpios.
then i began to read up more on star signs and look what i found? scorpios and sagittarius are really mortal enemies. even the placing of their stars suggested loath. up in the skies, the stinger of the scorpio is pointing towards the sagittarius, who had his arrow tip targetted on the scorpio in response, forever locked in a vicious battle against each other.
of course, there are some exceptions of people i detest not being scorpios but that is only because they are truly bastards. there are also exceptions of scorpios who would never in a million years be considered a stereotypical scorpio.
so what's the point of this post you say? nothing!!! just so you know...
/end tidbit info dump
[[P.S. even the anime agrees with me. i was watching saiyuki reload all at one go and one particular scene reminded me of this. Episode 17-18 (the beginning to the Kamisama arc): gojyo the scorpio was wondering if that day was a bad day for scorpios after a series of unfortunate events dropping in on him and asked the only other person around, sanzo (who just so happens to share my birthday!!! *^_^*) if Mr. Sagittarius had a bad day too. of corz, they ended up arguing with each other, fighting with each other and fighting off demons while fighting each other. see what i mean about scorpios and sagis can't stand each other?]]
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it's been weeks and i'm still thinking--would i be better off without a degree than being stuck with a lousy one? if you didn't know, i have a place waiting for me in the degree in electrical and electronics engineering (eee) in ntu. being in that is prolly the furthest i can get from my forensics dream.
the low-down:
1. most forensic scientists require a upper class (2nd upper to 1st class) honor bachelor in science (chem/bio/biomedical sciences/etc.).
2. my diploma (biomedical informatics and engineering in tp) isn't considered a relevant diploma to the abovementioned degree, leaving me with lousy degrees that doesn't lead up to a bright future as a forensic scientist.
3. my family doesn't have extra money to send me overseas for a decent degree in chem/bio/biomedical sciences/etc.
so, back to topic at hand. if i didn't get a place in eee, i could start work and save money to put myself through an overseas college, get a decent degree and hopefully marry out of singapore. at the very least, i could be closer to my goal than i am now. but i now have a place in eee, a pretty lousy degree on its own. for crying out loud, it's engineering! engineering's been dead for decades!! even if i do get direct entry into 2nd yr, i would most prolly b wasting the 3 yrs in that course. the only redeeming factor is that in the final yr, i can opt back into bioengineering, a small step back into the life science field but there isn't any guarantees i'll definitely get it. for all i know, everyone else in the course might are vying for it coz life science is the new engineering (like 20 yrs ago) or IT (like 10 yrs ago).
oh yes, i think everyone is jumping onto the life science bandwagon coz the gov said it's gonna b big but i think it's dying already. the trend is now moving towards visual arts. design, media, mass comm... even the uni (both ntu & nus) gave those a free-for-all treatment: meaning, you don't need a "relevant diploma" to get into the arts. bias muchie?
anyways, i'm still gonna try for an appeal into chemistry in ntu but i'm not holding much hope. i'm prolly gonna hafta finish and get dat god forsaken degree. but the least i could do is try for a 1st class honors to get back some "face". another alternative is to take a part time degree. hartfort has this great part time degree called bachelor of biomedical science. it's conducted concurrently with central queensland uni in australia but pardon me for being cynical but who is gonna recgonize dat degree anyways? i've never heard of central queensland uni. of course, i'm not a big fan of the down under to start with. the last alternative is to just stay as a lab tech in hsa center of forensic science til the end of my days. i'll still b working in the forensics field but only based on my diploma, and no hope of ever moving upwards.
*sigh* U2 says it best: You've got stuck in a moment and now you can't get out of it.
(gee... thx bono.)
/end rant
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